Chapter 1 - What Happens to Love After the Wedding?
The book starts out with a conversation between Dr. Chapman and his seat mate on an airplane. The man had questions about his marriages. He brought up questions that many spouses of failed marriages ask. He wondered why it was that after the wedding everything seemed to fall apart. Why was it that all the love that his bride and himself had shared seemed to have evaporated? Was this experience common? Why do we have so many divorces? And is it possible to even keep love alive anymore?
Dr. Chapman realized that thousands of couples are asking these same questions. The reason being that the desire for romantic love in marriage is deeply rooted in our psychological make up. So much practical help is popularized in the media because of our desires to know and understand what real love is. The answer to questions on love are in one fundamental truth: People speak different love languages.
Love languages are the primary language of a human being. It is the dialect in which one shows and expresses their love, and receives and understands love. It is often the case that a couple will both speak two different love languages. The five love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. If we want our spouse to feel loved and appreciated after the wedding you must learn to speak their love language.
Chapter 2 - Keeping the Love Tank Full
Love is the most important word in the english language, and also the most confusing. Psychologists have concluded that the need to feel loved is a primary human emotional need. For the sake of love we would endure anything, and thus it permeates our actions in society.
The inherent need for love and affection is healthy. A child is developed into a responsible adult when he is raised in an emotionally stable environment where he feels loved and wanted. If their need for affection is unanswered, and their love tank is empty, it is common for the child to misbehave.
The chemical experience of being “in love” is similar to a high. When it is superficially quenched, it does not last long because soon the real emotional needs will resurface. The Bible talks about a husband and wife becoming “one flesh”, meaning they would enter each other’s lives in a deep and irrevocably intimate way.
When a spouse feels like his or her needs are not being met, their love tank is empty. Angry attitudes and critical words may ensue. When the love tank is full, couples are able to receive criticism, discuss conflicts, and resolve differences. A love tank refilled supplies the emotional needs in the long term. It cane save failing marriages and enhance healthy relationships.
Chapter 3 - Falling in Love
Dr. Chapman relates the story of his former secretary, Janice. Janice had fallen in love and within three weeks she was engaged to the “man of her dreams”. While living high off of the “in love” experience the mind is convinced that happiness is inevitable and will last forever because it defies all facts and meaning.
Being “in love” starts out with being attracted to someone’s physical characteristics and personality traits. This is such a euphoric feeling the mind is set on getting to know this person more intimately, until the level of intensity either wanes away. If the euphoria does not wane away then we seek to know if the feeling is reciprocal, if they could love us back. And we become emotionally obsessed, supremely happy, and totally blind to the reality of human nature.
In the real world of marriage however there are so many variables that will turn off the “in love” experience quickly. Then you are faced with the challenge to love someone to whom you are committed to, and having faith that they are doing the same. Falling in love is not an act of the will, because it is effortless. Real love is emotional, but not obsessive. It is an act of the will, requires discipline, and recognizes the need for personal growth. If we can learn to meet the deep, emotional needs of the other person, and chose to do it, then the love that is shared will be more exciting than any sort of infatuation.
Chapter 4 - Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation
The tongue has the power of life and death. Verbal compliments or words of appreciation affirm another person and makes another person feel loved. Dr. Chapman helped one wife get her bedroom painted by her husband. He encouraged her to compliment her husband on the things he does right, so that he will be motivated to do the thing that she is asking. The object of love is no getting something you want, but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is true that we are motivated but words of affirmation and are likely to reciprocate.
Encouraging words are another dialect of love within words of affirmation. A husband encouraging his wife to write might be the motivator for her. One should encourage an interest that has been developed to blossom further. This gives courage to the spouse to pursue their potential.
Kind words are spoken softly and are clearly filled with an attitude of love. If kind words are uesd in a conflict, more communication will be transferred. Using kind words to convey one’s feelings of hurt or disappointment is not pointing the finger or insulting the other spouse. A fight could bring healing and build intimacy if thought is put into the tone and word usage. Humble words make requests of loved ones, not demands. Indirect words of affirmation is saying positive things about your spouse when they are not present.
Ch. 5 - Love Language #2: Quality Time
Quality time is so important in a marriage. When you spend twenty minutes of undivided time with your spouse, that’s twenty minutes you’ll never get back. That’s give your lives to each other. One of the easiest ways to spend quality time with each other is through togetherness. Whatever it is that you do together is unimportant, what’s significant is that emotionally you are engaging in one another.
If words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, then quality time with conversation focuses on what we are hearing. Quality conversation is “sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. It is focusing on drawing out the spouse, listening sympathetically to what they say, with a genuine desire to understand your thoughts, feelings, and desires.”
Often times a problem arises where one spouse listens only long enough to hear the other spouse’s frustration out and to formulate a solution. This is wrong because a quality time spouse is looking for support and understanding, not a fix. There are a few things to remember in quality time. 1) Maintain eye contact when talking together, 2) Don’t listen and do something else at the same time, 3) Listen for Feelings, 4) Observe their body language, 5) Refuse to interrupt.
The book gave an example of two personality types: The “babbling brook” and the “dead sea”. The dead sea receive experiences, emotions, and thoughts, they store it, and do not give back. The babbling brook shares everything and anything that they see or hear. It is important to have a “daily sharing time” together is you are one of these.
Ch. 6 - Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts
Gift-giving is part of every culture. A gift is something you can hold tangibly and know that someone was thinking of you, it is a visual symbol of love. If your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts then the cost of giving will not matter, their worth has nothing to do with monetary value and everything to do with love.
Gifts can be bought, found, or homemade. If you don’t know what to buy your spouse, ask their close friends and family. Don’t wait for a special occasion. Buying something for your spouse is investing into your marriage and into their love language. If you are a spender this will be easy because you understand how you feel when you buy something for yourself. If you are a saver, then you will be more resistant. You might think that since you don’t buy things for yourself, why should you buy things for your spouse? If you are not comfortable with spending money you must change your attitude towards the purpose of money.
Another way to give is to give yourself to your spouse. Your physical presence could be exactly what they need to feel supported. Your “being there” in times of crisis can be the most powerful gift you can give them when they need it most. If this is your love language, then you must communicate to your spouse that their presence is what you require; give them an opportunity to respond to your request. All love languages are in the spirit of “giving”.
Ch.7: - Love Language #3: Acts of Service
Christ gave a simple but moving illustration of love by washing his disciple’s feet. He encouraged his disciples to follow His example and to love each other in the same way. Acts of service is doing things for your spouse because you know it shows them love. You seek to please them by serving them.
Acts of service can be anything: washing the car, changing a diaper, cooking for them, doing laundry, filling their gas tank, walking the dog, washing the windows, or picking up the kids. Whatever you do it requires time, effort, energy, and a positive attitude. This fulfills what Christ has commanded, “serve one another”.
It is important not to be a doormat servant. Doormats are inanimate objects, and humans are emotion bearers with a will. Manipulation or coercion through guilt or fear is not an act of love but of treason by allowing your spouse to develop inhumane attitudes. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.
You must be able to overcome the stereotypical role of a husband or wife in order to serve one another. There are tremendous benefits to letting go of stereotypes and to meeting your spouses emotional needs.
Ch. 8 - Love Language # 5 - Physical Touch
Research shows that babies that are held, hugged, and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than babies that are not touched. Physical touch is a vehicle for communicating marital love. You can do this by holding hands, kissing, embracing, and through sexual intercourse.
If your spouse is a physical touch person and their love tank is empty, they will often withdraw, and feel less secure of the love of their spouse. Withdrawing from them is to distance yourself from them emotionally. One husband, Pete, said, “I was so insecure . . . I never told her that I wanted to be touched, although I was crying inside for her to reach out and touch me . . . there were times that I reached out to her physically and she was not responsive. . . . I felt rejected.”
In an age were sexual openness is popularized, sexual affairs are everywhere. A spouse will always be affected by this emotionally, but for a physical touch spouse, this is detrimental. Their love tank is beyond empty, it has gone into full blown trauma mode and has exploded. It takes extensive repairs to meet their emotional needs again.
Sexual intercourse is only one way to love your spouse. It can be explicit and it must demand your full attention. Physical touch can be anything from a back rub to sexual foreplay resulting in intercourse. It can be brushing against them in the kitchen, or your hand on their shoulder. You are limited only by your imagination.
Ch. 9 - Discovering Your Love Language
It is is vital that you discover your spouse’s love language if you want to keep their love tank full. Many men mistake “physical touch” to be their primary love language because they are sexually driven. For these men it is often important to re-assess how “physical touch” they really are. Bob really appreciated when his wife would make positive comments to or about him because he grew up with harsh and demanding parents. If Bob was having awesome sex and his wife was still giving him critical remarks and negative words, he would feel very turned off, and would no longer have the desire to be with her.
His true love language was “words of affirmation”. It is different for women because their sexual desire is driven by emotional intimacy. If a couple is both speaking each other’s love language fluently then the sexual aspect of their relationship will take care of itself.
There are three specific ways to recognize your own love language. The first way is to think of what it is that your spouse fails at in you relationship that hurts you the most. The opposite of what they do is usually your love language, i.e. critical words = words of affirmation. The second way to discover your language is to think of what you are always requesting from your spouse. If you’re always wanting them to flip the TV off and talk, then you might be “quality time”. The last check is to think of how it is that you express love to your spouse. Usually the method you use is the method you crave.098
Ch. 10 - Love is a Choice
If you’re already in a damaged relationship it is easy to feel overwhelmed with hurt, anger, and resentment. You probably just want to give up. The good news is that we are creatures of choice. We all make mistakes but we all have the power, the free will, to choose to make healthy choices. We are all capable of saying “I’m sorry, I want to make things different. I want to learn your love language and to meet your needs.” True love is a choice. When we speak their love language then we create a climate that is safe to deal with past conflicts and failures.
Once you are off the “emotional high” of the in-love experience the only way to keep the other person’s love tank full is to speak their love language. Oftentimes in marriages, one spouse’s love tank will be half full and will think their marriage is okay, all the while their spouse’s love tank is on empty, and will feel like they’re not “in love” anymore and no longer have feelings for them. It is unfortunate that this mindset often leads to affairs. Few men with low love tanks will leave their marriage until they’ve found someone new who meets their needs. Soon, however, their new lover will fall off the “in-love” high and the cycle will start again.
When an action doesn’t come naturally to you, then it becomes an even greater expression of love. You are doing something for no other reason, not even for money, except for love. Real love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself. We often get out of bed, not because we want to naturally, but because we believe that if we do something good will come from the day. We should chose to act our our love the same way.
Ch. 11 - Love Makes the Difference
Being in real love sets the tone for becoming the best of who you can be. When you really feel securely loved by another person then you have found true self-worth. You are at the height of your potential to discover your purpose, Love gives you a feeling of significance, which is often the driving force in one’s life. Having significance gives you a higher purpose, gives meaning to life, because someone is investing in you.
If you do not feel loved in your marriage, then differences are magnified. When a couple is in love they work like a team, and fight for self-worth and significance. You reap the rewards of love: discovering how to bring out the best in each other.
Norm and Jean were a married couple who had lived basically as roommates for twenty-five years. The past three years that Jean had complained about their loveless marriage, Norm had stepped out to show her his love for her. He would mow the lawn because she was allergic to pollen, wash the dishes, and vacuum because she had a bad back. He would have dinner started by the time she was home. All this time Jean just saw it as routine busywork away from her. She just wanted quality time with him. When he describe his idea of a perfect wife, he learned that his love language was acts of service, while hers was quality time. Norm committed to spending fifteen minutes talking with her every night. Jean determined to cook the dinners and wash the dishes if it made Norm feel loved. Now they’re happier than ever. Even after twenty-five years, love can make a difference.
Ch. 12 - Loving the Unlovely
This chapter is based on the question: “Can you love someone that you hate?” Anger held inside turns to hate and resentment. It is a vicious cycle that is full of condemning words and demanding actions. Of course, love is a choice.
Dr. Chapman discovered the teachings of Jesus instructs us to “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you . . .if you love those who love you, what credit is that? Even the sinners do that.” Jesus also said, “Give, and it will be given to you, a good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
It is on these principles that Dr. Chapman did an experiment with his client, Ann. Ann was in an awful and loveless marriage, and was encouraged to leave her husband. She hated him. Dr. Chapman asked her to try his experiment. He encouraged her to ask her husband to tell her ways she could be a better wife. She should not respond harshly, except to write her complaints in a notebook. She should try to work on what he says, and to meet his love language needs. His were physical touch (sexual) and words of affirmation. One week after he responds positively, she was to ask a specific request of him to do something within her love language (quality time). Six months later, they were happier than ever.
**It is important to note that it is hypocritical to claim to have feelings that you do not have. It is not hypocritical, however, if you express an act of love that is designed for the other person’s benefit or pleasure, it is simply a choice.
Ch. 13: Children and Love Languages
The concept of love languages and love tanks can also be applied to children. At a young age it is important to pour out all five love languages on them, and see how they react. If you observe their behavior for awhile, you’re bound to get it.
Bobby might climb on his father’s lap when he gets home and play with his hair. He is craving physical touch. Patrick will pester his father to come and see something in his room, because he is “quality time.” If his father doesn’t come right away, he will do anything for his emotional need to be fulfilled, including acting out.
If your child is always making things and giving them to you, he might be “receiving gifts.” If they are always helping you with chores, or helping a younger brother or sister, they might be “acts of service.” If your son or daughter is always complimenting you, maybe he or she is “words of affirmation.”
Parents may sincerely love their child, but that won’t be enough. They must learn to speak each child’s love language, because every child is different. As young children we are always affirming their actions, when they get older we are often more critical or demanding of them. It is important that we’re careful of this. If they are “quality time”, take a walk with them. If they are “receiving gifts.” then give them things! If they are “acts of service” spend undivided time with them on their science project, or attend all of their games. If they’re always hugging you, then always touch them positively when you see them! When family members start speaking each other’s primary love language, then the emotional climate of a family is enhanced!
Ch. 14 - A Personal Word
The author challenges your opinion in this chapter. Dr. Chapman is inquiring if his experiences have made an impact on you and have propelled you to chose love and to express it to the one you’re in a relationship with.
Every marriage comes with different personalities, histories, emotional baggage, expectations, and differing solutions and opinions concerning life. These things can all be processed in a secure environment of love. The ability to love, especially when it seems impossible, can be further quickened by drawing upon spiritual resources. For the author, rediscovering his need for God propelled the strength he needed to fix his own marriage. He examined the evidence for Christ’s birth, life, death and resurrection. Dr. Chapman concluded that Christ’s death and resurrection was an expression of love, and his resurrection was evidence of His power. He committed his life to Christ.
The author is longing for the day when marriages have love tanks that are so full they are running over. In this way marriages can be for the good of the spouses, to unleash their personal potention for the ultimate good of mankind. Dr. Chapman also wants to see children grow up in homes where they are loved individually, and feel secure in themselves. The energy of children would be channeled to learning and serving.
Dr. Chapman also encourages us to share this book with everyone we know, so that we can further impact others with the profound truths that change lives.
